Sorry Smith.... but this story needs to be told.
So with many jobs, before you start or maybe even at some point while you are working there, you may be required to go pee in a cup. Most of the time you get to walk into a bathroom, do your thing and then put the cup into a window in the wall, then go about your business. The Army - in their infinite wisdom - does things quite a bit different.
I have always found it funny how soldiers can be trusted to sign for equipment that is valued at hundreds, thousands, or even millions of dollars, but cannot be trusted to have a toaster in their barracks room. As sad as it is though - plenty of examples to prove it - there is a good portion of soldiers who could not be trusted to go into that room and pee in a cup by themselves without using some fancy doodad to get some fake pee or something else along those lines.
So that being said we get to have these fun powwows called a Urinalysis. "Individuals in this unit have been selected on a random or 100% basis for drug testing. There is
no probable cause or reasonable suspicion that anyone in the unit is using or abusing drugs
or a controlled substance." *cough* *cough* sure *cough*. Everyone meets up in a room too small for the amount of people called, gets a brief (because what Army event could happen without one) on what they already know is about to happen, and then gets held there until they have been able to get through the line of people trying to pee in a tiny bathroom while someone peers over their shoulder.
I should amend this to say I can only speak for what happens for males during a urinalysis as I have never been part of the female portion of the testing.
Hopefully stage fright is not a thing for you, but their are many ways to move things along. As an "observer" I have turned in the water, dimmed the lights, sang a song, and even let someone sit down on the toilet to go when they worried they were going to shit their pants. At the end of the day though, the sanctity of the urinalysis must be maintained! Thinking back though, I'm pretty sure the song thing just made things worse, but I was just trying to help.
For some reason though when I was actually getting tested, that it would be a great idea to try and mess with the observers. One cannot question if its really you filling the cup if your pants are all the way to the ground, so why not just go ahead and make their job easier? If you were not already aware, let me state the fact that I have no shame. I'm not sure exactly WHY I decided to go as far as I did the one time, but I am pretty sure Smith probably still is scarred emotionally from this. I know I apologized earlier, but.... sorry.
For sure this is was funnier for people who were there to experience it, or who know Smith, but I'll try my best to explain. The latrine is an open bay area with 2 (3??) urinals side by side. Most observers would stand off to the side and maintain a view on you and the cup. My "no-pants" testing methods was well known and accepted, and even replicated within the unit. So what happens when something excessive becomes almost the norm? That's right - you have to go another step. Shirt completely off - check. Pants all the way to the ankles and waddling over to the urinal - check. Turning and looking over my shoulder and staring into Sgt. Smith's eye while I finish giving my sample and rubbing a nipple with my finger - .... check. Watching as he nearly breaks in this situation - check. That was probably an unnecessary additional step, but it seemed a good idea at the time. I don't remember exactly what Bell did, but I know not long after I went he pulled a similar maneuver that was met with a similar response.
Funny enough, one of my last acts in the Army was a urinalysis. While we were at the yearly training event, the Battalion had one, and somehow I ended up an an observer. Don't think I went easy on those guys just because they were not part of our company. Rules still apply and I hope I made things as awkward as possible for a handful of them during that process. The final person who went through my line was actually the Sergeant Major. I did let him know about the "C Company policy" but he declined.
Good times.....
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